|
SubscriptionsSites I Read
|
|
|
|
| Nobody screws up my opportunities - whether academic, extra-curricular, professional, romantic, whatever - better than I can. I've gotten so good at it that it just comes second nature to me; it's my first instinct to squander away every chance I get. I can't think of a single other person who can mess with my own success worse than me.
That's why I was surprised to learn recently that someone was going to ask me out, but her friends talked her out of it. I'm sorry, I didn't realize that me being on the dating scene for less than 4 months and going on exactly 3 dates was enough for me to have a reputation already.
It's not that I'm mad, sad, or bitter or anything. More amused, really. Her friends could've saved themselves the effort - nobody can sabotage my relationships better than I do. If they wanted her to stay away from me, they had nothing to worry about - her going on one date with me, or just getting to know me a little better, would've probably done the trick. It usually does.
And it's not like my romantic counterparts should be be surprised to learn that I'm a bad idea after the date. It's become kind of my policy to warn people before asking them out or accepting a date from them. I just come out and say it, that I'm a selfish and boring person with warped views on romance, and that I'm a jerk - and not in the exciting and fun way. Because I lie enough in pretty much all other parts of my world, but I'd rather not lie in the romantic arena.
I've waited till after I'm 21 to get in the dating world, even though I don't have any religious hangups, and I'm not exactly repulsively ugly or completely stupid. And nowhere is it easier to get laid or be in a relationship than in college, even in a commuter college like mine. I've had opportunities; if I seriously wanted some, I could've gotten some, through dishonest means or honest means. But I'm taking it at my own pace.
So uh, yeah. Any people concerned about their friend possibly being a romantic encounter of mine and thinking about warning them against me: go ahead, but you don't have to bother. I can probably discourage that person from considering me as a romantic option way better than you can.
| | |
| He: Mr., I think I've found the most offensive thing I can say to you.
Me: Bring it.
He: You have a heart, and you're compassionate about other people.
Me: Hah. If I had feelings, they'd be hurt right now.
| | |
| Dear People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals,
You’re doing it wrong. Your “Cash for Cluckers” program is a clucking disaster. Emulating a car company’s last-ditch-effort to get people to buy new cars is probably not the smartest way to get people to stop eating chicken. This, along with most of your tactics, have been pretty bad. Sure, you get a lot of press, but as someone who works in the media I can tell you it’s the same kind of press we give the crazy guy caught running naked across the freeway in the middle of the night. You just give out press packets. The Cluckers program says you can buy some vegan-friendly faux chicken, send in the receipt to PETA, and in the mail you will get a $1 rebate and a vegetarian starter kit. You’re telling us that if non-vegetarians buy a pack of fake-chicken and prove to PETA they bought it, all they will get is a $1 coupon and some vegan recipes? Seriously? $1 and a copy of “How to make broccoli not suck?” This is how you’re going to lure in current meat-eaters? That doesn’t appeal to me, and I’m a vegan for crying out loud. I’m that guy who asks for veggie burgers at the company picnic and eats deep-fried cauliflower while everyone else enjoys pizza from Buddy’s. Nonvegetarians that I know are more apt to use that faux chicken to bait animals for hunting, rather than get $1 and literature full of guilt trips and vegan recipes, which they might use as toilet paper on that same hunting trip. And this stupid program is only for the first 5,000 people who enter? Another “Cash for” incentive program you have is Cash for Cows, where you want people to turn in their shoes made from “the skins of dead, abused animals” for a $10 coupon to buy vegan friendly sneakers made by MooShoes. Never mind the child laborer killing themselves for pennies a day to make shoes, it’s the dead skin that we should worry about. Good luck getting my editor DS’ leather work boots away from him. They’re steel-toed, so watch out when he tries to “kick their hippie asses.” The program is a little enticing, because professional workers are expected to wear something that looks like leather. Why, I don’t know. Because cruelty is in fashion, I suppose. But pleather is expensive, and $10 just isn't enough of an incentive.
What you need to do immediately is fire your marketing department, and hire me as a consultant.
As a sampler, here are some of the ideas I’d give you that would help your cause to turn more omnivores into herbivores so that less animals are killed or treated cruelly. First of all, get rid of the feather-brained “Cash for Cluckers” program. It won’t work, and even if you were to offer more cash rewards to give people more of an incentive, you would run out of money quicker than the government did.
Secondly, while the “I’d rather go naked than wear fur” campaign was an interesting idea, it was a TERRIBLE idea! You went about it completely wrong. When you show those commercials or posters of naked women with meat-free diets, here is what people think: “Hmm, because I am eating so much meat, these lovely ladies are posing nude?” And why will this make me want to stop eating meat? So they’ll put their clothes back on? I don’t think so. Hello, have any of you taken Psychology 101? You don’t reward people for their bad behavior! You punish them for bad actions, and reward them for good ones. 
This is how you stop animal cruelty: keep posting nude pics of ugly, repulsive people like the ones above, until animal product consumption goes down.
What you should do is start a campaign called “We’re keeping our clothes on until animals are treated better,” where attractive male and female celebrities will show minimum skin until a goal is reached. For a set goal, use a ratio of numbers like animal products bought, animals used in entertainment, leather or fur clothing items bought and animals used in scientific experiments. Say that unless this ratio drops by maybe 10 or 25 percent, you won’t get to see any of these celebrities’ naughty parts. Trust me, you will see animal products unsold and piling up on the shelf. Sure, it’s basically pornography, but if anyone is willing to do something like this, it’s you, PETA.
But some people don’t work well with positive incentives; for them, negative incentives are more effective. So for them, you need to start a supplementary campaign called “We’re staying nude until animals are treated better,” where the world’s most unattractive people, like those pictured above, pose nude, until the animal cruelty ratio drops. If the sight of the naked bodies of repulsive men and women don’t deter people from eating meat and treating animals cruelly, I don’t know what will. Get Rush Limbaugh and Oprah Winfrey to pose naked and people will buy soybeans by the hills just to put clothes back on them.
By the way, this sampler marketing consulting wasn’t free. I’ll expect a check in the mail. And none of this mail-in-rebate crap.
Signed,
Mr.
Reporter, dirty vegan hippie
with help from DS
Mouthing Off editor, bloodthirsty carnivore | | |
| Him: So happened in your life that made you do cold and desensitized?
Me: I lived a very normal life. That's what happened.
____________________
It feels like I'm burning the candle and both ends, and also around the other sides too. I can't possibly have two part time jobs, one internship, full load of classes, learn a new language, and start my own company to do side projects with, can I?
Apocalypse please.
Serenity now would be a tolerable alternative. But really, apocalypse would be better. I hear it's a more entertaining show. Just go outside, pull out a folding chair, grab a pack of cigarettes and a can of coke (or a line of coke, whatever), and watch the people burn and the buildings crumble.
| | |
| Strange in terms of how almost normal it was. It's weird. I've held 3.5-ish jobs, an internship, and very little downtime. Started wearing dress shirts/pants and ties to try to meet societal expectations. Asked someone out on a date for the first time. Didn't work out. Asked someone else out. Started drinking and smoking socially on a somewhat-regular basis. I feel freakishly old, and more strangely, mature. Although there's tons of adolescence lurking inside still. Strange, strange summer.
And apparently summer's gonna keep going for a while, because the faculty at my university is on strike and classes are canceled until the new contracts are settled. So I paid a 9% tuition raise to... not attend classes; hoorah. Anyway, I'm covering the story for the student newspaper and also the local paper where I intern. And apparently my story's been picked up by a wire service and ran in other local papers. Whoo me, good for my resume and all, but I'm tired of covering mundane things I don't care about and having no time to do the other things I'd rather be doing.
Anyway, I've been writing entries over the summer, but haven't put them on xanga. I might post some of them, with minor edits to account for the time difference.
For some reason, the Xangazon "currently listening to" thing isn't working, but my anthem this summer has pretty much been Whippin' Piccadilly by Gomez. "There's not enough hours in the day" is right.
Mr. out.
| | |
|
